Lucky We Live
There's a topic I have been hesitant to broach, on the blog or in person. I try to stay away from being overly political, but sometimes there are news stories that hit very close to home, and they become political issues because that is how we can affect change.
Recently, shootings of people of color by the police, have been more publicized than ever.
I have a conflict of interest with these news stories.
I admit that at first, my assumption was that the people being shot must have done something wrong. I remember becoming old enough to fear for my father's life when he was "on the streets" at work. My father would explain to us how easy it was to be harmed in the line of duty; trusting a person who has been labeled a suspect could mean the end of a cop's life. Sometimes, it was necessary to take offensive action to avoid being hurt, killed, or risking other innocent lives. My father also pioneered the taser program on his department, to avoid lethal force being the only option. As wild as it is to watch someone be tased, in most cases it is much better than being shot by a 9mm. It allows the police officers time to better assess a threat level and get control of a possibly hostile situation.
But, my father is also a black man. He has watched the same news as the rest of us. He still works tirelessly to promote community engagement, better training, and better funding for local police departments literally across the world. I have asked him about many of the situations on the news, and what he thinks he would have done if he were in the police officer's shoes at the time. Often, he allows that he wasn't there and can't know all the factors that would affect his decision in the moment. Still, he is out there this very moment training others. Obviously, there is much work to be done regarding the law enforcement community and it's relationship with people of color in America.
This used to be a topic I could push to the back of my mind, since I knew where I stood: I was a person of color, from a family with people of color in law enforcement. I had never encountered any issues because I followed the rules. Skin color wasn't a factor, and I was wrapped securely in the blanket of America's post racial lie.
But since I have had a son, I have experience immense guilt, because I feel so lucky.
Yes, the usual luck of living in relatively safe areas, of not being stopped often by the police, and of not knowing anyone personally touched by this particular tragedy.
BUT I also feel lucky that my son, while half black and a quarter Puerto Rican, so far presents mostly as white, and that might keep him from being targeted. His skin color is the same as mine, his big, beautiful brown curls like mine. Now, even our Latino background gives me concern for him: will someone question his citizenship? Make trouble for him?
I already feel a lot of concern more recently for my husband. He is black and Puerto Rican. To some, he even appears to be Indian, or Pakistani. He always gets pulled out of line in the airport for extra inspections. ALWAYS. Despite his current active military status, and even being in uniform, he receives extra scrutiny from law enforcement types. He has been pulled over often and given no real reason. He is always polite, deferential, even.
I was taught to know what to do when a police officer pulls me over or a TSA agent pulls me aside because I was raised by a LEO who wanted me to move quickly and safely through a traffic stop...or so I thought. Now I wonder if my dad was doing his best to make sure my sisters and I made it out alive when a police officer he didn't personally train was in control of a situation. Instructions about keeping my hands on the steering wheel, and not reaching for anything without the officer giving permission, rung piercingly through my mind when the details of Philando Castile's murder were released. I would have done the same exact thing. So would my husband. My husband also legally carried a concealed weapon at our last duty station, mostly on his way to shoot at the range on base. Would he have been shot, too? In front of our family?
America is already becoming a nation of racially ambiguous cuties like my son. Even just a year or two ago, I would have told you he'd have it way easier than me. I remember being teased or rejected by the black kids for not being black enough, yet having the white kids trying to touch my hair, calling me "uh-oh Oreo," or saying that their parents wouldn't let them befriend or date black people. My parenting goals centered around raising a son who could love and embrace his own individuality.
Now, I wonder what is the best way to raise my son to stay alive and maintain his dignity at the same time. I don't want to raise my child to be afraid of police officers, or to be afraid to be a person of color in this world. I hope he feels pride in his heritage, and the way two diverse families came together to produce a child, full of promise and wonder.
I feel like my relief at his lighter skin color is terrible, because I love my son regardless of his skin color. I just know the rest of our country doesn't feel the same.
Some resources:
Embedded Podcast Episode, "The Story of a Charlotte, NC, Police Shooting"
ACLU, What To Do If You're Stopped By Police, Immigration Agents, or the FBI
Code Switch Podcast Episode, "What to Make of Philando Castile's Death, One Year Later"
The Root.com, Audio Released of Pregnant Woman Killed After Calling Police
Black Lives Matter
Recently, shootings of people of color by the police, have been more publicized than ever.
I have a conflict of interest with these news stories.
I come from a family of law enforcement.
I am a person of color.
I admit that at first, my assumption was that the people being shot must have done something wrong. I remember becoming old enough to fear for my father's life when he was "on the streets" at work. My father would explain to us how easy it was to be harmed in the line of duty; trusting a person who has been labeled a suspect could mean the end of a cop's life. Sometimes, it was necessary to take offensive action to avoid being hurt, killed, or risking other innocent lives. My father also pioneered the taser program on his department, to avoid lethal force being the only option. As wild as it is to watch someone be tased, in most cases it is much better than being shot by a 9mm. It allows the police officers time to better assess a threat level and get control of a possibly hostile situation.
But, my father is also a black man. He has watched the same news as the rest of us. He still works tirelessly to promote community engagement, better training, and better funding for local police departments literally across the world. I have asked him about many of the situations on the news, and what he thinks he would have done if he were in the police officer's shoes at the time. Often, he allows that he wasn't there and can't know all the factors that would affect his decision in the moment. Still, he is out there this very moment training others. Obviously, there is much work to be done regarding the law enforcement community and it's relationship with people of color in America.
This used to be a topic I could push to the back of my mind, since I knew where I stood: I was a person of color, from a family with people of color in law enforcement. I had never encountered any issues because I followed the rules. Skin color wasn't a factor, and I was wrapped securely in the blanket of America's post racial lie.
But since I have had a son, I have experience immense guilt, because I feel so lucky.
Yes, the usual luck of living in relatively safe areas, of not being stopped often by the police, and of not knowing anyone personally touched by this particular tragedy.
BUT I also feel lucky that my son, while half black and a quarter Puerto Rican, so far presents mostly as white, and that might keep him from being targeted. His skin color is the same as mine, his big, beautiful brown curls like mine. Now, even our Latino background gives me concern for him: will someone question his citizenship? Make trouble for him?
I already feel a lot of concern more recently for my husband. He is black and Puerto Rican. To some, he even appears to be Indian, or Pakistani. He always gets pulled out of line in the airport for extra inspections. ALWAYS. Despite his current active military status, and even being in uniform, he receives extra scrutiny from law enforcement types. He has been pulled over often and given no real reason. He is always polite, deferential, even.
I was taught to know what to do when a police officer pulls me over or a TSA agent pulls me aside because I was raised by a LEO who wanted me to move quickly and safely through a traffic stop...or so I thought. Now I wonder if my dad was doing his best to make sure my sisters and I made it out alive when a police officer he didn't personally train was in control of a situation. Instructions about keeping my hands on the steering wheel, and not reaching for anything without the officer giving permission, rung piercingly through my mind when the details of Philando Castile's murder were released. I would have done the same exact thing. So would my husband. My husband also legally carried a concealed weapon at our last duty station, mostly on his way to shoot at the range on base. Would he have been shot, too? In front of our family?
America is already becoming a nation of racially ambiguous cuties like my son. Even just a year or two ago, I would have told you he'd have it way easier than me. I remember being teased or rejected by the black kids for not being black enough, yet having the white kids trying to touch my hair, calling me "uh-oh Oreo," or saying that their parents wouldn't let them befriend or date black people. My parenting goals centered around raising a son who could love and embrace his own individuality.
Now, I wonder what is the best way to raise my son to stay alive and maintain his dignity at the same time. I don't want to raise my child to be afraid of police officers, or to be afraid to be a person of color in this world. I hope he feels pride in his heritage, and the way two diverse families came together to produce a child, full of promise and wonder.
I feel like my relief at his lighter skin color is terrible, because I love my son regardless of his skin color. I just know the rest of our country doesn't feel the same.
Some resources:
Embedded Podcast Episode, "The Story of a Charlotte, NC, Police Shooting"
ACLU, What To Do If You're Stopped By Police, Immigration Agents, or the FBI
Code Switch Podcast Episode, "What to Make of Philando Castile's Death, One Year Later"
The Root.com, Audio Released of Pregnant Woman Killed After Calling Police
Black Lives Matter
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