Not your usual American-smile

Tomorrow, I complete the second cycle of my chemo. 

The last few weeks haven't been easy on my body. I have definitely lost weight due to all the wild swings I've experienced from all the meds, like a serious bout of constipation that so so quickly got out of hand, or the inability to really put down food because as soon as anything hit my throat, I gagged hard. 

The pain from the white blood cell booster has really kicked my butt, as well. Literally, bone marrow pain?? I had laughed when the doctor mentioned it, dutifully took the Claritin they suggest to manage it (the release of histamines is the issue), and the first go-round, had zero issues. By my second infusion, days 3-5ish were so hellish with pain through my hips and legs, I wanted to black out. 

Actually, much of the time, I would like to just peacefully sleep through whatever is happening to my body. The pain, the growling stomach that refuses to let in food, the constant, sluggish exhaustion of my brain, the fog it feels like I'm living in so often. 

Alas, sleep isn't going well, either. womp womp womp. 

After my second infusion, I had my kids back with me. We were still in temporary lodging on base, but it felt so good to be with my boys. The Aunties and my mom and my sisters had rallied around me to fill the gap for hubs, some days ending with my Aunt T or my mom fully conducting a dinner-bath-bed routine for the kids while I laid on the couch, miserably, after having done my best to do a whole day with my own two children. I went from feeling so joyful to be with my children to feeling so wildly incapable of being a mom like I used to, only months ago. 

Soon, hubs had arrived, and more things kicked into gear. We are in our house on base now, and awaiting our household goods. The Grands have saved the day again, sending us a real bed, the boys a bunk bed, toys and sheets and plates and comfort items arriving in the mail all the time. Hubs has quickly learned how useless and helpless I can be if in pain or extreme discomfort, which wasn't a fun transition for me, but that he is here is so vital to me, I don't care. And with him, we now have a giant TV to help distract me.

I don't know how people do this. I don't understand what this pain is penance for in my life. I'm scared I'll hurt my relationship with my sons, a relationship I've built with hard work and love. I know my love is still in full force, but I can't be the active mom I'm used to being right now, and they notice the difference. If I could, I would fast-forward the next few months. It's pathetic- I can endure a few months of anything...right?

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